Six not so sexy things men might want to avoid.

band mid-80s
Okay, we’re almost going from the sublime to the ridiculous as far as these photos are concerned. This is me in the band making an awful noise circa mid-80s, Germany.

Ladies! Would you say I’ve covered most things here?

To the majority of the male species:

Farting in front of your girlfriend might be permissible after you’ve been going out a few weeks but it’s a bit of a turn-off when you’ve just met. Not to mention it can be especially awkward when there’s no dog around on which to blame it. You boys are quick to point out what you don’t like to see in a new girlfriend such as the above breaking wind, her clothes, how she wears her hair and make-up, so I guess it’s only fair I give you a few pointers in return.

Got a minute?
Good! Use it to read my list of what not to do in front of the latest lady in your life.

Bare and Share!
Okay! When your lady is in the bathroom getting ready to go out or you’ve had what you deem to be a successful night and she’s getting ready in the morning… say no more… leave her alone to get on with it!

Not so much mysterious but mandatory.

I mean, do you really want to see the new lady in your life flossing her teeth? Plucking those stray little hairs from her chin; upper lip; nipples… what! You thought they came hair-free naturally? And neither would she want you to and certainly not at this stage of the relationship.

Picking!
Don’t pick. Not so much on what she’s wearing although that’s not a good move but I was thinking more along the lines of something else.

Attempting to find my way out of Brest Bretagne airport I was horrified to witness a man pushing his luggage trolley with one hand whilst the index finger on his other was in a vertical stance rooting about inside his nose like he’d lost something and was expecting to find it there. On his face he wore a dazed almost hypnotised expression. Was he perhaps encountering the delights of a nosegasm? It’s hideously disgusting! Don’t do it.

Breaking wind!
I think we’ve covered that. Treading on the proverbial frog is a turn-off but let’s face it we all do it and we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. However, if you are suffering from an overload of flatulence I suggest you revise your diet. Have a cup of fennel tea, quit blaming the dog, and to help discharge any lingering odours burn a stick of incense or light some scented candles.

She’ll think you’re being romantic.

Espousing virtues!
When it’s about a previous girlfriend keep your endearments to yourself. We don’t want to hear about it. Like you, in the beginning of a relationship, we’re not overly confident whilst doing our best to put across the good vibes and hopefully hiding our less attractive ones. And hearing about the merits of your past conquests will only serve to put an emotional and possibly a physical distance between you and your lady. Wrong direction, right!

Manners!
Make sure you have them. We appreciate, and notice, manners in a bloke.
Be courteous. Open doors and allow the lady to go first. But be polite to others as well. A little courtesy will go a long way.

Personal hygiene!
I know I’ve covered this partially with the nose thing and the trumpet blowing but personal hygiene is a must. Keep your hands clean and all your other bits and bobs too. Nothing turns a woman off more if the bloke she’s about to kiss has breath on him that would challenge that of a yeti. And when in bed, boys, if the scent of sweet roses is noticeably absent and strains of what’s been put on them to make them grow is more reminiscent – be prepared to sleep alone.

And you’d deserve it!

And so ends my list of helpful hints in how to keep that new lady in your life just that little bit longer. So happy hunting and good luck! But basically, boys, just be your friendly and charming self and she should love you just the way you are.

Personally, I can’t be doing with all these dos and don’ts it does my head in.

So, if you need me, I’ll be here farting like a fox that’s just caught sight of a red jacket whilst leisurely plaiting the hairs hanging from my nipples.

Rosemary as a daffodil  Littlebrooke  circa 1965
And here I am again dressed as a daffodil as one does. Mid-60s, Crowthorne, Berkshire.